If you have two computers, and one is larger and gotten dinosaur stickers stuck all over it, guess which computer both children want to play on?
A crayon lost too close to the fireplace will melt if you light a fire.
If today is the day your father has decided to make an appearance, it is not the day to forget to take your antidepressants.
Do not leave blankets lying on the floor around the house. Cats prefer them to litter boxes.
Corollary: Cat pee rolls off cheap pressed-polyester blankets. Have paper towels handy.
If your child is looking pale, refusing pizza, and seeming to cover his mouth with his hand, it is already too late to get him to the bathroom. Just get a mop.
Do not tip the waitress at the restaurant who makes you do the mopping.