Tuesday, June 12, 2012


I have gotten a variety of responses to my decision to pull Joey from the awards ceremony, instead of having him attend without getting an award. I wish more people would just comment here, but I'll just give folks a rundown of the email, comments, and other snippets from the various sources where I have mentioned, spoken of, posted about, or otherwise brought attention to the fact that Joey, despite being able to run rings around any student in his school and most of the adults when it comes to math, is not getting an award, and I am not sending him to the ceremony:

The vast majority of the comments have been more or less supportive of the decision.

A small, stinging minority have been negative, questioning my reasons for not sending him, and many of these also seem to think Joey should go to "learn to take disappointment." Why this stings is because, having seen how the world at large thinks about such things, these people are actually in the majority of opinion among the general population, though thankfully, not my own circle. I still find it deeply disturbing that people would feel this would be appropriate for Joey, especially in his current state of anxiety and depression.

I have a wide variety of reasons for not wanting Joey to be at that ceremony. Some are good reasons. Some you may not think so good. Just because I have one reason you may disagree with, doesn't and shouldn't discount all the other very excellent reasons for not sending him.

1. Safety. This is really the #1 A big reason I am taking him home. With Joey's current patterns, it is dangerous to send him into that ceremony. The school has amply proven they cannot keep him safe under these conditions- a large crowd, a huge and very frustrating disappointment, overwhelming emotions, embarrassment, and noise... he's going to bolt for that door. And they have proven they will not stop him. In the end, this trumps all other considerations, as far as I am concerned.

2. Depression. I want awards and award ceremonies to be positive, motivating events for Joey. When you are child who knows you can run rings around everyone you know in math, you likely expect to receive a math award and be recognized for such a talent. When you see other people, who you know you can run rings around, getting awards (which I believe firmly they have earned and should definitely get), and you don't, that is devastating and embarrassing. Just what we need is for Joey to think his talent is worthless, or that he's "the worst at math! he'll never get a math award!" Great idea. Not.

3. Pain. I find it not only painful for Joey, but painful for me. I know what it is like to have your hard work not only go unrecognized, but basically get punished for doing the extra work or taking on the challenge of higher levels. Selfish? As you like. It wouldn't be a big deal if I thought it was all projection; but when I see the anger, frustration, depression, and disappointment explode from my child, what I see and feel is the pain. I'm still bitter, and I would rather keep Joey from as much of the gall as possible.

4. Coping Skills. Joey is still learning these skills. When he was still learning those skills and he was 6, it wasn't as big a deal if he made a mistake and melted down, he wasn't alone. People are less understanding of a very large 10-year-old who melts down when his name isn't called, and he has no way of containing the overwhelming emotion and depression.

5. Judgement. I will never forget sitting in that spelling bee, listening to parents laugh at my child... only to see their faces an hour later when he almost won. It is good for people to understand that kids with disabilities are also intelligent. It is very important for some families whose kids are in Joey's classes to realize he is an asset to that room, and academically capable. By ignoring his strength in this way, they also ignore his value, and leads to people dismissing him and even complaining about why one of "those kids" is in the classroom "distracting" their kid. There are many, many people in this world who think Joey is stupid and a drain of resources, and should not be allowed in a mainstream classroom. He works hard to overcome his challenges in communication to express his talents- more than other kids do, plus being able to do the work. But now we find ourselves back at our last post, and whining about how awards are determined.

In other words, Joey's school awards appear to gauge how well students make toast, when my kid is a hair dryer. They ignore the fact that Joey dries hair better than everyone else, even in drying class, because he isn't drying toast.

In the end, the fact that Joey will not get an award is wrong in so many ways, it isn't a joke. Joey is not stupid, and knows he is the best math student in the school. He knows what awards are, and that they are badges of honor for being good at something. He's going to notice when his talent and hard work is overlooked.

The school is just way too close to the highway.


farmwifetwo said...

All excellent reason's.

The reason I didn't have my son perform at the parent portion of the talent show is that it's an out of area school. Had we been here, I would have just for that reason you mentioned before...

To rub it in their faces.

Most have been kind here... but there's always those....

There's a difference btwn disappointment and simply having your achievements ignored. The 2nd is what happened not the first.

My youngest is nagging for the computer so I don't have time to tidy my thoughts. So, have a great evening at home.

Anonymous said...

I agree with all of your reasons and have taken similar action in the past. As for the "all kids need to learn about disappointment" stuff, even that needs to be done incrementally according to the individual child's ability level. A big, traumatic loss doesn't really teach anything - it just leaves lasting scars.

kristi said...

Our kids get plenty of disappointment. Sigh. Unfair treatment is just not right.

Bullet said...

What reasons have they given for not giving him an award? Could they change their minds? I do think you have explained well your reasons for removing him from the ceremony.

Niksmom said...

The school's handling of the whole situation just infuriates me for Joey and you. And anyone who has snotty, judgmental things to say about your parenting choices of YOUR child can go take a flying leap.