Sunday, December 16, 2012

Tangled Emotions

On Facebook, the prompt is now, "What's on your mind?"

As I sit here, staring at what the school is telling me is a behavior plan, but which says nothing about what anyone will do if Joey melts down in school again- a high likelihood come the spring; as I think about the day Joey stepped out in front of a garbage truck, and what game plan I have in my head should there be a repeat (and all the echoes of people saying 'why can't you get over that already?'- with words, eyes, and quiet shakes of the head), and think about those beautiful lives lost in Connecticut this week (not just the kids, but also those teachers and admin who gave everything for those kids), I think about... this. I think about the possibilities of where we could be going, if I can't get the school program to function. I think about the needs Joey has, and the possible avenues he could take, especially if we can't get the depression in hand and the frustration under wraps.

What's on my mind? The other day, when Joey imagined that one his grandfathers died. The pain he felt, as if really had happened- and the breakdown he had in school over his inability to cope with raw emotion... even in an imaginary circumstance. That's on my mind.

The long road ahead to get the school to understand that inclusion isn't working for Joey. He's being lost- socially, academically, he's drowning. The little progress he makes still leaves him lagging behind at an alarming rate- even as he steps forward, he is falling farther and farther behind. We've never recovered from our major third grade regression. I have to make sure I have every scrap of paper in order, ready to go. I'm not doing this one alone. How am I going to pay a lawyer? No clue. But it must be done. That's on my mind.

Having to admit to myself that inclusion isn't working for Joey. Sitting here thinking about it, I could just cry. We want him to be able to function in the world. We had been doing really well with it. But then third grade came, and it was sold to us as "well, things are different." Guess what? In middle school, they are different again. To have to sit here and say, "This environment is not supportive enough. He isn't safe there." I don't think many people understand how hard that is. What makes it harder is knowing those kids are at least used to him. There is some social value to having those kids learn beside Joey. There is also the future to think of- Joey's social future, after being pulled out of school. That's on my mind.

It's a tangle- the kind that steals your sleep and leaves a hollow in your chest.