The Christmas Shopping Season Is Upon Us

Are you ready? Ready for the noise? The bustle? The joy of victory in finding the perfect gift? Taking our kids out to the mall and discovering the new delights of trying to get a picture with Santa Claus?

Don't forget the Joeymom Shop!



























Your purchase helps us pay for speech therapy. I usually get enough to get a $25 check around March, and that's a whole session's copay!

Joey Returns

The boy is back.

Joey is a sweetie, there is no getting around it. I missed his smile, and the tilt of his head, and the sparkle in his eye. Now he's back, and I just want to crawl into bed with him and squish him. But I won't, because if I wait a couple hours, he'll crawl into bed with us, and we can squish him. And we'll be warmer that way.

Joey has had a lot of anxiety lately. Although I can make some educated guesses as to some of the issues he's wrestling with, I do wish he could give me more clues. Last night, Andy was having his usual fuss about bedtime and bathtime and wanting to splash (with a very large pitcher), and I overheard this exchange:

"AAAAAAAAA!"
"Why are you screaming?"
"Because you are annoying me! I want it!"
"You get water all over the floor when you have this. Play with some of the other toys instead. Look, there's a bowl."
"AAAAAAAAAA!"
"You have a bowl to put water in. What's wrong?"
"I'm sad!"

Joey can't do that.

Often when we are headed into IEP meetings, I try to explain that there are things Andy can do that Joey still cannot do. Then they ask me what, and I find myself at a loss; because Joey is Joey, and although I know there is the skill gap, trying to come up with exactly what those skills are is daunting- I expect Joey to be Joey, and Andy to be Andy, and what does that mean exactly? I know there are deficits, but when I have my boys, I just don't think of them as deficient; pinpointing the disability is something I have to think hard to do. I get asked, "What do you want for Joey?" and my current answers seem meaningless in the context of an IEP. What does "I want him to be happy" really mean?

We're not to Christmas, but with the troubles we've been having this year- minor compared to previous years, because our caseworker totally rocks- I'm already getting ready for our second grade IEP. When I go in there to explain what Joey can and cannot do, I am going to print out this blog entry.

When Andy is feeling anxiety, he can tell us. Joey can't. The result is that Andy's acting out gets words, gets understanding, and gets fixed. You hand him his pitcher, or you explain to him that he won't be getting the pitcher, he should play with something else. When Joey is anxious, we become Sherlock Holmes, trying to uncover the clues, the trails, the sources of anxiety. Then we have to analyze those clues to try to discover the whodunnit problem that resulted in anxiety, and think of how it ought to be fixed.

I want Joey to be able to have more input into those solutions.


Now it is morning (I started the post last night), and the boys are off to their swimming lesson; the contrast between what Joey can and cannot do seems all the more strange to me. In the three short months Joey has been taking swimming lessons, he has learned to swim independently right across the pool. Ms. Heidi says he has a good, strong stroke. Maybe he'll be on a swim team when he gets older. Wouldn't that be awesome? We just need to get him to breathe properly (put his face in the water while he swims) and he'll be on his way. Not bad for six years old.

It seems strange to me that people would want this child closeted away. They can't see the wonderful things he can do, the wonderful, beautiful person he is, simply because he has trouble speaking. As he gets older, what roads will be blocked for him, not because he can't do the tasks, but because he can't put what he can do into words from his mouth? I wonder about kids who are completely non-verbal, the challenge of living in a world where speaking is considered a vital marker of intelligence. In fact, I think now the ability to see people and accept people for who they are is a far more important form of intelligence. To be able to look past what people cannot do, and appreciate what they can do. And perhaps that is a post for another day.

I miss Joey when he isn't here. I am so glad he has fun with Grandma. I am also glad to have him back.

To Grandma's House

Joey is at Grandma's for a sleepover. We miss him. There is something sad about an empty bed when one of them goes to Grandma's. Joey's room is so quiet and dark, with him there to turn on the nightlight and play the CD. He's having fun, though.

We've been prepping Joey since yesterday for the visit. He should have had his turn a couple weeks ago, but he's been struggling so that we couldn't in good conscious either disturb his routine nor foist a depressed, acting-out child on Grandma. Joey needed some bedrock, as school wasn't going well for him. When we asked him if he wanted to go, he clearly said "No."

Then came Ms. Sc. The world has changed.

He has been in such a good mood, and suddenly doing so well, Grandma decided it would be a good idea to have him come for his turn at Grandma's. We decided the main attraction would be going grocery shopping for Thanksgiving. So we started talking about Thanksgiving dinner, and he had clearly been talking about it at school, because he knew he was supposed to have turkey. Yesterday we started being more specific: what did he want for Thanksgiving? Besides turkey? And then this morning was talked about it, and I started making a list of things we would need in the grocery store to have those things, complete with photos.

Before I tell you what he wants, I should note there is method to my madness. With the new change in bus policy (which has my bus driver as confused and unhappy as I am), I discovered we did best if he had something in his hands to distract him. The best thing we had was his new schedule, with the pictures and the written out routine. He clutched it the whole time we waited, and all the way to school, and we didn't have a single "No bus! No school! I missed the bus!" wail. So I thought a nice visual grocery list would help him if he started feeling anxious in the grocery store. I take Joey to the grocery, but not very often, because he does sometimes get very nervous, and likes to run around the cart in tight circles. With him in such a good mood, he should do fine, but just in case...

So what does he want for Thanksgiving dinner? Unprompted, he came up with turkey, pumpkin pie, and cheese. Then he agreed to sauerkraut, dressing, peas, corn, mashed potatoes, and biscuits. He said "no, thanks" to asparagus, sweet potatoes, and gherkins. He was unsure about cranberry sauce or cranberry bread (though he liked the cranberry bread last year).

Joey came home in after-school mood, so at first we were unsure he still wanted to go to Grandma's. Then he suddenly clicked and got very happy.

And Andy freaked out. He wanted to go to Grandma's too. He likes Grandma's house.

So while Grandma explained to Andy he would be going to Grandma's on Monday, I got Joey out to the truck, where he was all smiles and grins. He told me he was going to give Grandma ten hugs and ten kisses. He was ready to go.

What a week that child is having. A new math teacher, new friends, baking cookies, and now a trip to Grandma's. How much more exciting can life get?

Wordless Wednesday: Glimpse into Fall

Alex Barton Update 7

The latest is out on Alex Barton. Wendy Portillo is to be suspended for one year. The superintendent also recommended putting her back into contract status (revoking her tenure) and having her teaching license revoked for a year (which would prevent her from being employed as a teacher elsewhere).

Tired? I don't think so

Niksmom just put up a lovely post about her son, and his wonderful new appetite. Go Nik! But for some reason, she thinks we're going to get bored of Niks stories and shots of Nik biting into things.

I don't think so. In fact, I eagerly await pictures of him as a teenager, biting into things. It will still seem like exactly what it is- a miracle of victory.

There are moments of miracle that you just never forget. I will never forget Joey coming up the stairs from his ABA and calling me "Mommy!" for the first time (thank you, little.birdy!) I will never forget seeing him point to a pumpkin across the room- the first time he pointed at anything. I will never forget the day Ms. Janene came out from the back to tell me Joey had eaten a ham sandwich, after nearly a year of eating about a dozen foods.

I take a lot of pictures of Joey with pumpkins, Joey pointing, Joey eating, and lots of film of Joey speaking. I may complain about soundification, but it remains music to the soul after the silence.

It isn't just a special needs thing, either. I think it may be more poignant, the miracles that other people miss, we watch with broad smiles and cheers; but people take endless photos of their kids, talk about them at the watercooler, and become jokes to people who don't have children and just don't get it, because we don't tire of those miracles. Ever.

To watch Andy put on his own clothes. To hear him tell me small doings of his day (something Joey still has a great deal of trouble doing, and rarely does). To watch him draw a picture. All miracles to capture and share with you, with the world, because miracles are meant to be shared.

So, my lovely bloggie friends, keep it coming. I will never be tired of the miracles of your children and families. What you find amazing about your world is amazing.

How could I ever tire of it? Keep it coming!

Sounds for sore ears

Mrs. Huff emailed to say the math lesson with Ms. Sc went well. But I really knew we did a good thing when Joey got off teh bus- clearly in after-school mood- and said with a grin, "My new favorite teacher is... Ms. Sc!"

Now I just need to get through the Witching Hour...

Repost: The Turkey is a-Comin'

Originally posted November 17, 2007.
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We are all excitement here. Evan is coming.

My house is a disaster. Joey is sick. The guest bedroom isn't set up, and is in fact still full of boxes of I-have-no-idea-what-because-I'm-a-packrat-queen. I got the shower re-caulked and a new showerhead, but the showerhead isn't installed. Andy is hoarding again. But it's okay. Evan is coming.

Families are funny things. Families usually have two parts- the part that you were born with, and the part that appears over time. Folks who don't get the whole humanity thing forget about the second part of the family (often while complaining bitterly about the first part). They see them as outsiders, keep them at arm's length, forget to let them in and enjoy them. More and more and more people I meet are like that- there is an isolation of humanity in today's culture. We have become so focused on nuclear "family" that the rest of it drops into a grey abyss, our children not given the skills and understanding to expand their families and relish them. After all, all families are strange. They are full of people. People are here to be loved. Too many folks now expect people to meet certain ideas and expectations before they will even acknowledge the other person's existence, much less refer to the person as a "friend." Instead of taking people as they are, and start from there, and see what happens, they automatically exclude everyone until proven otherwise. Safer? Maybe. But you miss out on a lot of family.

Joey loves the world and the world loves Joey. People like to be accepted, no strings attached. Joey has a knack for that. "Hi, Friend!" he cheerfully calls to all and sundry. You're invited- you’re a friend until proven otherwise. Andy doesn't have this talent. He's far more of a question first, be friends if the answers are OK kind of guy.

Anyway, Thanksgiving is one of those family holiday things. People's families get together and celebrate being on the earth and get to have some time to just hang out and enjoy each other. We can appreciate Aunt Susie's love of carrot cake, the lopsided way Cousin Johnnie smiles, take joy in Grandpa's old war stories and Grandma's taste in clothes. We can pick up on the little clues that speak to who we are.

When we grow up, and go out to make our own little nuclear units, holidays are great times to remember the rest of our families. Those brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, and cousins who may not share our bloodlines, but remain our families. Those connections to humanity that remind us that we're all in this together, we might as well enjoy each other for this brief shining moment.

Evan is coming. Christmas is upon us.

I love Christmas.

************************************************
With holiday love to Beth, Jean, Maddy, and Joe, and the rest of my online family.

Sunday Retrospective

Once upon a time, when I was beautiful.

That's my friend Evan (Hi, Evan!) We've been spending the week, and will be spending the week ahead, talking about Uncle Evan coming to visit, so that the boys will be ready for Thanksgiving. It's very exciting.

Hope for the right track

At OT, I saw one of the other special ed moms, who had lots of nice things to say about Joey's new math teacher, Ms. Sc (so we don't confuse her with Joey's kindergarden teacher, Mrs. S.) Joey got to go see the classroom yesterday while everyone was at "specials". He got to see his desk, and explore the room a little, and talk with Ms. Sc about math.

I admit, I was a little nervous. I have an email from Mrs. A to the effect of "His new schedule means he can't get his sticker for Word Wall in here." The tone was crisp, though I don't know how intentionally. Now, personally, if I had a student who was being moved out of my classroom with no real preliminaries- just "he's going!" I think I would want to think about my attitude. I would at least want to say something like, 'I'm glad Joey is doing so well that you want to move him into an inclusion setting for more time- hope he does great there!' Perhaps that is how I was raised. You acknowledge stuff like this. I'm certainly not any more comfortable with the time he has remaining with this lady. Does she care? She doesn't even care enough to get creative and find a way for him to get his Word Wall sticker.

Joey came home from school in after-school mood, so I let him relax a few minutes before bombarding him with questions about his day. The smile when I asked if he met his new teacher was worth the wait. He told me he saw his classroom, and talked with Ms. Sc, and that he is very happy and excited. We're telling him the truth of it- he is doing so well at math that he needs to join the new class and new friends, and have a new teacher. He seems mightily pleased.

He starts the new class on Monday. I hope it goes as well as his visit.

In their world

People often mistakenly assume children cannot distinguish between reality and pretend. This is untrue. It is more accurate to say that the line that seems so crisp and clean in our adult eyes, that sharp division between what is real and what is not, is more blurred in the world of child, where things are not so in focus yet because they don't have the information and experience we have as adults. Thus a child can know that dragons do not exist, but be afraid one is living under the bed.

I remember this blur in my childhood. I was certainly aware that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was a character in a made-up story, and not a real entity. Yet I was excited as a child to see the red glow in my window in the early hours of Christmas morning, thinking that Santa was here because I could see Rudolph's nose. (As an adult, I can surmise that red glow was probably the brake lights of my grandparents' car as they arrived for Christmas morning.) I was aware that Mr. King was a real person, yet when he appeared on my birthday wearing that famous red suit, he was and remains to me, Santa Claus Himself. The line that divided realty and fantasy was blurred, and my brain made connections between them that we as adults no longer make (well, except the adults who believe in ghosts. But we can discuss that in some other post.)

To my great delight and interest, Andy has an imaginary friend.

I have never known if Joey truly has an imaginary friend; the communication and language barriers, his use of echolalia to communicate and talk about the world around him, make it difficult to determine if he ever has had his own pretend friends who inhabit that blur between reality and make-believe. I can tell you that Joey does make-believe, and even has some running narrative to that make-believe, but I have such small snippets and snatched glimpses of that world, it is hard to say whether he has his own characters there, or he has simply lifted characters from known stories and shows. Certainly, he remains attached to Octopus, through not in the take-him-everywhere sort of way he used to be; his Little Bear remains a comfort to him, he still clings to Yellow Bus on occasion and becomes happy when Yellow Bus emerges from the toy pile. How much actual character do these entities have in his world? I suspect more than my brief glimpses would attest.

Andy's friend has emerged as an interesting character who appears throughout our daily routines and paths. I have been listening for clues and asking questions, and I am keen to learn more about this new member of our family circle. Here is what I have learned so far:

Our friend's name is T-Rex, or Dinosaur. I had started suspecting there were actually two friends (Andy usually differentiates between T-Rex and other "dinosaurs" [Its not a dinosaur! It's a T-Rex!]), but now I am convinced these two names are attached to the same friend. It is Andy's mood that determines which name is being used.

Dinosaur lives "out there" and often pops up "over there", that being somewhere outside the car, usually in clumps of trees or dense woods beside busy highways. However, Dinosaur can also appear near buildings, near stores, and even in parking lots or fields. When Dinosaur appears, he can be doing any number of activities, including hiding, having lunch, eating cows, playing, tickling, looking at us, playing with other dinosaurs, and playing with his friends the Lizards (remember our running bedtime story?). However, Dinosaur is never right here; he is always over there, doing something.

Dinosaur has an imaginary friend named Spooky. Spooky is a ghost, and also features in our bedtime stories. spooky likes to play hide-and-boo (you hide, and when the seeker gets close, you jump out and say 'boo!' and they are required to yell out 'AAAA!')

Dinosaur does not like to step on sidewalk cracks.

Dinosaur likes Grandma's house. He also likes cookies, lollipops, cake, bacon, and cows. Dinosaur likes to run very fast and win races. He also likes to blow bubbles and play hide=and-seek. He also apparently keeps his eye out for Andy at school.

I'll keep you posted as I find out more about our new friend.

How a doctor visit ought to be

Joey's had a bit of a cough this week. However, today he started to crash- didn't eat his lunch, kept putting his head down, and finally got a trip to the nurse, but no fever. Then at OT, he complained his ear hurt (and kept putting it against warm things). Ear infection? Imitating someone at the nurse's office? Just a little fluid in the ear from the sniffies? There is only one way for me to find out.

Off to Medic 1. For those of you unfamiliar, Medic 1 is a walk-in "emergency clinic". If I try to call my regular doctor at 5 o'clock on a Thursday night to say my kid might have an ear infection, I might be able to get in next week (my regular doc is off on Fridays). With the Medic 1, I can walk in and see a doctor within two hours. I miss my old country doc who would see you within about twenty minutes as a walk-in (and was NEVER late for an appointment), but this will do in this day and age.

We go to Medic 1 enough that we know most of the evening-shift docs and PAs, so it isn't a huge issue of new-ness for Joey. We sat in the lobby for about an hour, talking about nurses and doctors and what each would do for him. We played duck-duck-goose, and each time I was the goose, I'd grab him and smooch him, which he thought so funny he had the other sick folks in the waiting room giggling.

When the nurse called us back, he got right up on the scale, took his temp orally (!) and did the finger-clip thing. Five minutes later, the nice lady doctor comes in, and Joey looks up and says, "Oh, hi, it's you!" and hops up on the table. She talks to me for a minute about what the problem is and what his symptoms are, that sort of thing, and she asks him a few questions (to which she got various not-very-relevant answers, but he did try) before pulling out the stethoscope. Upon viewing the stethoscope, Joey starts "taking deep breaths" (I have no idea how she heard anything through the noise). Peek in the ears, peek in the throat, peek in the nose, all cool.

Pronouncement: allergy or virus. Have a nice night.

That's right, no push of antibiotics. No lecture for wasting time of the doctor. No fuss, no muss, check him out, tell em straight up, and send us on our way with a recommendation to use adult Robitussin instead of crappy kid stuff.

Now that's the way I like it.

Thinking about getting or changing insurance?

Ah, the joys of our lives is that we are expected to regularly hit up our friends and neighbors for time and money to support our various interests. I no sooner get through one "fundraiser" or "promotion" and another one comes along.

Well, I have one for you all and its absolutely free. JoeyAndyDad works for GEICO, and they run a promotion for getting quotes on insurance. If you are thinking about getting or changing insurance, please call GEICO for a quote! The number to call is 800 342 9070, and please use promotion code 128768.* It does take about 15 minutes to get a quote for car or homeowner's insurance. Thank you for your support, and I hope they offer you a great deal!




*You don't have to accept the offer. You just need to make the call and give them the promotion code for him to get credit!

Oh Ye of Little Faith

So I arrive a few minutes early, to be intercepted by Joey's case manager, the beautiful and very talented Mrs. Huff. We chat about the bus situation and the fourth grade word wall that Joey is working on, the social skills lessons he is having, the sensory shift he seems to be experiencing, and of course, the math issue. At least somebody is looking out for Joey. She notes that now the child who needs one-on-one ABA is all set up with his own therapist (Mrs. Huff supervises the program, but they have someone new to actually implement it), she has more time to check on her other students and actually see how they are doing.

We get into the meeting. We talk a lot about Joey. How he uses language and communicates. How he expresses anxiety. The boredom issue. The classmate issue. What folks are working on. Some things were said and asked that were good. Some things that were said I still find a little concerning. We didn't talk about pulling him for math, which I thought somewhat odd, since I thought part of the point of the meeting was to broach the subject of pulling him for math. I make sure to note that boredom is the Enemy. Joey must be engaged to be functional. If you let him drift off, let him descend into the frustration of boredom, we have Trouble.

We leave the meeting, we are walking down the hall, and Mrs. Huff, the beautiful and talented, turns to me and says, "I want you to come see this classroom, I think this will be a good fit for Joey for math. I've been talking to the teacher already..."

You go, Mrs. Huff. You absolutely, positively rock.

I saw the room. I met the teacher. She has a couple of aides in there, but not a special ed one, so Joey's shared aide- and sometimes Mrs. Huff herself- will go in there to support him. So as soon as the paperwork goes through, he will be pulled from Mrs. A for math. This will also alter his recess, so he'll go to recess with his new classfriends, so he'll have that much time away from both her and the classmate. Once we get him settled into the new routine, I hope he starts feeling better (and I hope this isn't just stressing him out some more). Let's get him back on track, and having fun at school again!

Wordless Wednesday: To Love Lost, Part 3: Happy Birthday

Upcoming changes

1. After five years of riding the bus, they suddenly want Joey to stand on the street to wait for it, instead of coming out from the house when the bus arrives. There is a 20 minute window for the bus to arrive (10 minutes on either side of the actually time it is supposed to arrive). As many of you may know, a 20-minute wait next to a busy street should be a really interesting challenge for us. I'll keep you posted.

2. Joey's teacher and I are thinking of recommending Joey begin a math group in the inclusion room. This will work for two angles: differentiation for Joey will be easier, because he'll be in a room where other kids may be working on more advanced levels than their classmates (his group will be targeted to his skill level), and he will be away from another student whose behavior has a major influence on Joey, and unfortunately a negative impact. It will also take him away from Mrs. A for another 30 minutes a day. However, this will mean another major schedule change for Joey, and possibly without the support of his usual aide. Again- I'll keep you posted.

The Long and the Short of It

Yes, the meeting is on Wednesday. Joey's report card was no great surprise, he has trouble communicating and speaking, he has been having behavior issues. Otherwise he is moving right along.

People associate special education with being stupid. It is an inescapable fact. I have seen and heard my child, individually and as part of the group, referred to as a "vegetable", "idiot", "retard", "parasite", "waste of resources", "budget drain", and even "trash." Why? because people see these kids as a waste of time, resources, and even compassion. They think these are kids who will never make in society, who will always be dependent, who have no future. This is the way our society views people with disabilities, especially cognitive disabilities. Many even se their own family members who may have challenges in this light. The concept of spending a little money now to save a lot of money down the road is a foreign concept, all the more so in our current now-now-now immediate-gratification culture.

It's one thing to see this in the general public, who are, frankly, generally ignorant of special education and special needs. Even families with special needs individuals within them can be generally ignorant (sometimes mind-bogglingly so). To realize that people in the special education system itself are this ignorant is enough to make a parent bang their head against a wall. Seriously.

Here's the long and the short of it: Joey is in first grade. However, he reads on a fourth grade level, and does second grade math. His classmates are still on first grade levels. His teacher is not offering him differentiated work. Naturally, the child is bored to tears. When one is bored to tears, and one is six years old, one tends to act up and act out. then add the autism, and the frustrations that go with it, to this stew, and we are starting to have a serious problem.

What do you do with a child who is both gifted and special needs? What do we do with the kids who are "twice special"?

Our school system is going to have to tackle this problem, and soon. They have a small horde of autistic kids coming up from the preschool who are much like Joey- "high functioning" and even gifted, but not able to go into a regular classroom independently.

The most obvious answer to this would be to have a para in the inclusion room who specialized in the child or children there. The special ed teacher in our system is a floater, so that wouldn't be enough. However, the school doesn't like the idea, because hey, it costs money.

So what exactly do I expect from this meeting? I have one teacher who knows Joey very well, and does her best to support him. I have one teacher who is still learning what Joey can and cannot do, but seems to be trying very hard to meet his needs and challenge him. Then I have a the teacher who hadn't noticed, nine weeks into the school year, that Joey was well beyond first-grade level vocabulary and spelling. What do I really hope they will do? How do we find and create an appropriate placement for my son?

Turn the Music Down

"Mom, turn the music down!" Joey demands as I try to tuck him into bed. He has repeated this request several times every night for the last three, maybe four nights. The problem is, there is no music playing. He hasn't been very interested in his CD player, and the radio in the van is broken. Perhaps he wants me to turn down the music in Andy's room? I can just hear it, if the room is quiet; perhaps Joey is having some sound sensitivities, or problems filtering out sounds, and that faint sound is bothering him?

"Honey, you aren't playing any music," I remind him in my I'm-being-patient voice; the one that would probably infuriate me if I was trying to tell you something and you answered something completely absurd in it.

"Turn the music down, turn the music down!" he repeats, covering his ears as if several bombs were exploding all around the house. Andy's CD has ended. The silence is deafening. There is no music.

"Do you want me to turn the music on?" I ask, trying the same change of tactic I have tried the last three or four nights, trying to coax the words of what he's really asking out of his mouth. I do this because I am insane: trying the same thing over and over, in an attempt to get a different result. For some reason, Joey has taken to saying the opposite of what he means. For example, if something is cold, he complains that it is too hot.

"Turn my music down!" he tries again, just as insane as I am. However, the slight change in the phrase catches my attention: his music, not Andy's music. I go over to the CD player. He bounces and gives me some signals; the kinds of slight changes in his attitude and body language he once used almost exclusively to communicate, and I know so well. I have done the right thing- i have moved over to the CD player. Perhaps he really does want it on; but when I move to press the button, he flinches and covers his ears.

"Turn it down, turn my music down!" he cries out warningly. Connections are made, synapses fire, my brain reads his twitches, his face, the slight turn of a child at once wanting something very badly and yet terrified to get it. I turn the volume way down before pressing play. Sure enough, even with the turning down, it is a touch on the loud side; i quickly turn it down more, so that it is more of a soft-lullaby sort of volume. Waltzing Mathilda wafts gently through the air.

Joey squeals, giggles, claps, bounces. He begins to sing- a little loudly- to the song. He laughs and hugs me, unsolicited.

"Gold star, Mommy! You get a Gold Star!" he laughs, his whole person a beam of sunshine, as I have not seen him in weeks. I leave him dancing and singing in his room. He can do it all night for all I care, as long as that smile stays beaming upon his face.

Silliness

Now available at the Joeymom shop in red, blue, or green.

Come check it out!

Double, Double Toil and Trouble

I have a meeting with all three of Joey's main teachers on Wednesday at 11 o'clock.

Joey has been spitting in faces. He's been hitting other children, especially the classmate he sees the most. He's been screaming. He's been frustrated, angry, depressed, and bored, and he's acting it out for everyone to see.

When Joey was very small- brand-new, in fact- he didn't cry much. At the time, we just thought we had a "good baby"- and in fact, we did. He was such a good baby that if he cried, we jumped, because you knew something was seriously wrong. This was a child who didn't cry when lunch was late, sat patiently through lectures and appointments, and even stayed quietly in a stroller through my entire PhD graduation ceremony. When this child gets fussy, we want to know what the hell is going on.

Mrs. A sent home some "homework" a couple of weeks ago- words to learn five at a time until the end of the school year. Each year the kids have a list of these words, called the "word wall" (because they get posted up on a wall as they learn them). It was the list for first grade, with a note saying, "Joey, please learn these words!"

He knew them already. In fact, he's been reading these words for over a year now.

I emailed her, asking her what I was supposed to be doing with these words. Nine weeks into the semester, and Mrs. A had no idea that he already knew all these words- in fact, we're most of the way through the third grade word wall list. She suggested putting five of them in alphabetical order. Right. Apparently that was tedious (really? no kidding!) so now they are going to have him use the words in a sentence, maybe using the second grade words. OK, that's a little better, it includes some demonstration of comprehension, something Joey does need to work on.

But we didn't work this out before we implemented the lesson. In fact, Joey's needs were not only completely ignored, the teacher- nine weeks into the school year- appeared to be completely oblivious to what those needs are.

I remain not only unimpressed, but I'm starting to get plain pissed off.

She'd better be with the program by noon on Wednesday.

Artist at Work

We got out the sidewalk chalk and got to work today. The boys have decided playing out front is really cool.


Ah yes, the genius at work.


Portraits of a family, by Andy. That's Andy, a T-Rex, Joey, Mom, Dad, and Grandma.



And of course the masterpiece: T-Rex Stomps, by Andy.

I voted.

Did you?

I took the boys with me to the polls. I want to be very clear about this with both of my boys: as American citizens, when they become adults, it is their right to vote, and it is their duty to vote. It is not optional. If you want to remain a free citizen in a free country, you vote. Period. (I also believe you serve on juries. When you are called to jury duty, you serve. Delaying it is fine, but you serve. Trying to "get out of it" is rejecting your duty and right as a citizen.)

I really don't care who you vote for at this point. Just make your voice heard. One of the stupidest things George Bush ever said was that he had a mandate from the people simply because he won an election. He ignored all those votes against him. No one is in perfect harmony with the universe enough to have a "mandate." No one agrees on every issue or policy 100%. It is our job as citizens to let our leaders know how we feel, to make them think about thing from a wider perspective. No issue is one-sided.

Voting is a way to stand up and speak. So stand up and speak. It is a rare right, and we should seize the opportunity for our everyday lives to be heard.

We are here! We are here! WE ARE HERE!!!

Balance

So we took Grandma back to her office after getting Joey off the bus. The afternoon was a perfect temperature for hopping in leaves in front of the office building, so I let the boys do that for a while before the proposed gathering of pine cones from across the street. Grandma has been held up by a phone call, the boys get restless. Snatching Joey off the bus isn't really the best idea, he has no downtime to dispel after-school-mood, so I want to get him engaged.

"Ok, guys, let's go get pine cones."

"OK!" Joey calls back and makes a beeline for the road at his trot-trot-trot. I run, but I am to going to be fast enough; I must rely on my voice to recall him from the blacktop as the car appears around the curve. Of course, it fails; audial processing takes too long. Fortunately, the driver is paying attention and there is a good stretch of road to react on. Joey processes a car is on the road with him and flees to the further side. I can see the driver wave at me. What if it had been someone less careful, someone on a cell phone, someone moving a little too fast?

***************

Allan and I sit in the kitchen, a new breath in our routine. The boys are watching their new favorite, Max and Ruby. Recounting the day, having a drink together, a luxury. Allan's had a new claim. I'm making plans for the holidays. A boy walks in.

He has no shirt on.

Apparently this is incredibly funny, and Joey starts to giggle with his playful, "Oh! I have no shirt!"

"Yes, no shirt," we confirm. More giggles.

Andy appears, also shirtless, but this is less of a shocker. Andy is not as fond of clothes as Joey is. Whatever the joke it, the boys are in hysterics over it. We shoo them back into the livingroom. Adult conversation recommences.

A boy walks in, laughing.

Joey is now completely naked.

This is apparently even more funny than having no shirts, far too funny for articulate speech. Even funnier is Daddy's shocked question, "Where are your clothes?"

The other boy runs in, also naked as a jay-bird, and starts the "neeeee-kiiiiiiiid BUTTS! Nekkid butts! Nekkid butts!" chant.

Adult time over. Boy time recommences. Life is short.

Packing Breakfast: Help!

The internet has failed me. People think to post about pack lunches, but pack breakfasts? Yet our school system (and the surrounding systems) all include breakfast for everybody. Lots of sites for feeding the kids before they go to school- but what about schools where breakfast is served?

I am looking for things to pack for breakfast for Joey. They need to be:

Low-carbohydrate
200 calories or less
Including protein
Not requiring heating of any kind. Items requiring refrigeration needs to be able to withstand being unrefrigerated for about 30 minutes in an insulated container.
Be discrete (sending in lunch items as breakfast stands out big-time)

I'm worried he's going to get tired of yogurt and low-sugar snack-cakes; especially the yogurt. I can switch up the snack cakes (there's plenty of choices and flavors on the market, or I can make breakfast cookies), but portable protein is more of a problem.

I'm also looking for veggie alternatives. Carrots are still ok, but Joey has stopped eating celery (probably just the sharp fall crop, but still...) He does eat cold steamed broccoli. He does not eat bell pepper, cold string beans, uncooked broccoli, or cold peas. :(

Brain already in overload. Need some ideas. Thanks.

Distract and Engage

When I was young, my Dad had a knack for making weekends miserable. Yes, we went and did some fun things. But any time fun was in the cards, my Dad would go nuts about every little thing we did wrong. Shoes in the hallway? Commence yelling. Rooms not cleaned? Commence yelling. Over-excited children getting a little excited? Commence yelling. Everyone was miserable before we could go have fun.

And I have fallen into the negativity trap.

We've been having some sketchy weeks, which means my nerves are frayed. I wonder now if these weeks are not the result of falling into the trap. When one makes it a constant struggle to get through the day, it wears on everyone's nerves.

So I would like to take out this moment of this post to thank my Mom. I still have so much to learn. Growing up, my mom made life positive, even when things seemed to be upside-down. She may think she needs to stay out, to not say anything when I'm doing things she wouldn't do in raising my boys. Fortunately, she's also a good friend and does say something. The boys may not be her children, but I am. I'd rather she told me if I am doing something stupid.

And making holidays a negative experience is definitely in the stupid range.

Now, we have a system for working on behavior issues. If the boys are good all month, they get to go to Chuck E. Cheese. They have three "checks" over the day, which is a little stretched by the addition of "yellow light" and "red light" (so we weren't giving two checks for the same incident- and it gives the guys a little but of warning that something is wrong). Hitting and biting have no lights, just checks. So they earn their privilege.

Hence, holidays shouldn't be in the list of things to earn. Trick-or-treat is just a given. Thanksgiving dinner is eaten. Christmas morning comes (despite the general cultural threat of "be good or Santa won't come!"). Easter baskets appear on Easter morning. Fireworks light up the night on Fourth of July. These things are non-negotiable.

Instead of my father's, "Be good or no trick-or-treat!" (Can we believe that came out my mouth? And not just once! No parent of the year for me!), the more effective and positive method I'm going adopt is my mom's "Distract and Engage."

Distract the kids from the unwanted behavior (like "Don't touch me!" and smacking on each other) by engaging them in positive conversation or activity. When we started getting bored with putting up porch decorations, Mom had me fetch coloring books. When the guys, excited and giddy, started pushing each other's buttons in the car, she had them talk about trick-or-treat: what treats did they want? What costumes would other kids wear? What was their favorite part of Halloween?

No, the pinching the poking did not completely cease. The whining did not completely cease. They remains excited and giddy. But it was positive. It made them think about what was ahead. It kept them engaged in the excitement and happiness, rather than devolving into anger, frayed nerves, and resentment. It gave them focus on the joy and celebration.

And after all, that's what holidays and fun trips and adventures are all about.

Happy Halloween, Part Two

Happy Halloween, Part One!

The Today Show

My mom brought this clip to my attention, and all I can say is, You go, girl. Tell 'em like it is.